I was 16 years old. Upstairs, alone in my room. I just returned home from "foster care," my parents sent me away to because of my wild ways. My Christian foster parents thought I was not ready to go back to Iowa. That I still need more of a disciplined home. More of a Jesus-everything type of environment to save me from the dark road I was headed on. They were right, they saw right through me. I was giving my parents an illusion of a changed girl that they desperately wanted me to be.
I sat in my room and thought about all the wrong I had done. The wrongs I have done against my parents. Against all that had loved me. And, against myself. Not just the pot that I smoked, or even the curse words that came out of my lips. But the outright sin against God himself. Rebuking Him, degrading Him, cursing Him. Just then, an overwhelming wave of sin filled my physical body. Sin became real. My stomach turned. My body convulsed in absolute disgust. The intensity of all my sin filled my body. I immediately dropped to my knees, and my face unto the ground of my small room. I began to weep so hard, I could hardly control myself and my tears. Dry heaving again and again. I wept because I saw my sin. Because I felt God's love. Because I finally understood why Jesus had to die. Because I had nothing left of myself. The combination of being redeemed, being loved beyond measure, and understanding the full Gospel, kept me weeping uncontrollably. I knew, I just knew, right then....that God is real. And I was sorry, SOOO sorry for the disgusting person I was to out-rightly sin against the Almighty King Himself!
You see, God revealed Himself as a Father to me. A Father that I feared, and loved all in the same. My mind couldn't understand why He would love me so much to save me. To save me from my dark path. Save me from ever feeling incomplete again. And giving me the ultimate life of truth, love, and complete surrender.
I often want to ask about what God is doing in my friends lives right now. Not wanting to ask about how they came to Christ. It just seemed like the same thing over and over again. I wanted to focus on the now. But if we don't remind ourselves of how we started, our path today can be in complete complacency. Remember when you held your baby for the first time? The day you fell in love with your life long mate? Or how the smell of the fresh rain on cut grass reminds you of a childhood memory that everything in your world, was somehow complete?
This day, when I was 16 years old, alone in my room, was the first day of an incredibly fulfilling life. I lost some friends in this transition, gained some lifelong mentors, and ultimately received the greatest gift of all..Jesus. I'm not a perfect person, and those whom are close know that I am by far the most unpredictable. I've hurt and may hurt those around me still. I struggle in the discipline of humility. I lack compassion. But when I think about this day that I experienced of redemption and forgiveness, I'm reminded all over again why Jesus died for me, and I will remain forever His child, being transformed in His light.
This is the truth. In my singleness, married life, and nomadic ventures...I've never felt incomplete. The certainty I have in Jesus is boundless.
